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> COMMANDO vs BIG TROUBLE IN LITTLE CHINA, Dumb 80's action flicks
Which do you like best?
Which do you like best?
COMMANDO [ 15 ] ** [35.71%]
BIG TROUBLE IN LITTLE CHINA [ 26 ] ** [61.90%]
Both kaka [ 1 ] ** [2.38%]
Total Votes: 42
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Kick in the Head
post Apr 12 2006, 11:45 AM
Post #31


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QUOTE (Sostie @ Apr 11 2006, 03:57 PM)
It lacks a lot from the original text.  The book is also a game show, but the contestents have to stay away not from pantomime Ice Skaters etc in a controlled enviroment, but from the whole world!  The public wins prizes for sighting/catching/killing the running men.  It has a great, never to be filmed too soon after 9/11 ending too.  Probably one of Stephen King's best.
As for Big Trouble originally being a westren, I'm not surprised - John Carpenter has always wanted to do one (Assault On Precinct 13 was based on and intended to be a western).  My mouth is watering at the idea of a Chinese Magic Kung Fu Western .
*


I've read about the ending before - it would've been great if that's how Arnie finished the film, instead of a token 'blast the baddie, kiss the girl' ending. The way you describe it is how I actually envisaged Battle Royale II to be before it was made, with the survivors on the run.

I think I'm edging more towards Big Trouble... as it means the most to me, but Commando is so special...in a kind of 'special needs' way.
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zeden
post Apr 12 2006, 11:51 AM
Post #32


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Commando. Its Arnie at his cheese talking best. Though I'd say that given the choice between an Arnie film and any other film, 9/10 I'd go for Arnie so perhaps my opinion isn't all that valid.
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ronlogan1977
post Apr 12 2006, 12:14 PM
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If anything other than Commando wins this I`m going to throw the most almighty strop. If you aren`t convinced by the following review than nothing can convince you. You are officially beyond help.

QUOTE
Tagline:
Somewhere... somehow... someone's going to pay!

Entire Story In Fewer Words Than Are In This Sentence:
Gay men get fucked by--not with--Arnold

Homoeroticism:
More than you could possibly imagine. I mean all the crap about Arnold being Der Gropin'fuhrer was just a ruse to distract Californians from the fact that Schwarzenegger has starred in the single gayest movie ever made. The Republican Party had to make Schwarzenegger look like the worst hetero sexual predator since Marv Albert just so that their own people would vote for him. For reals. The first time we see Arnold in Commando, Mr. Olympia is carrying a big chainsaw with like a four-foot blade and an even larger log on one shoulder. He's all sweaty and determined looking, rugged, and accompanied by a steamy sax solo! Bear City, USA man. While flipping through his daughter's Tiger Beat a few scenes later, he exclaims, "Why don't they just call him Girl George? It would cut down on the confusion." Meaning of course that while others might have been confused about Boy George's sexuality back in 1986, Arnold knew the straight truth. Or lack thereof.

When Arnold's old commander comes to tell Die Governator that somebody is killing all of his old men, Schwarzenegger sneaks up behind him and puts a hard gun in his back. The commander says, "Silent and smooth--just like always." Is that what straight men say when another dude sticks 'em with something hard from behind? Didn't think so. Arnold also of course picks up another man by his balls. And, for God knows what reason, Arnold is in a speedo for at least four minutes. Just paddling around in a boat.



But, you can't talk about the amazing gayness of Commando without mentioning Bennett. In fact, if I ever go back to school, I will write a paper detailing how the late twentieth/early twenty-first century embracing of homosexuality stems from Vernon Wells' portrayal of this particular character. After I'm done, West Hollywood will be renamed "Vernon Wells." Where to even start... Bennett spends nearly the entire movie wearing the following outfit:

Leather pants
A black, sleeveless T-shirt
A chain mail vest
A large belt that turns said chain mail into a little skirt
Fingerless leather gloves
A dog chain choker
A flat top
A push broom moustache
A leather belt that he wore around the chain mail vest, making it seem as if he were wearing a skirt.

Basically your standard leather-daddy get up, minus the cop hat. His Australian accent doesn't help things much. But what really sent my gaydar off the chart was the following exchange between Arnold and Mr. Wells:

Arnold: "You can beat me... You want to put a knife in me. Look me in the eyes. See what's going on in there while you turn it. That's what you want to do to me, right? Come on, let the girl go. You and me. Don't deprive yourself of some pleasure. Come on Bennett; let's party."

Bennett: "I don't need the girl--I don't need the girl!!"
Short of Arnold actually licking Vernon's ass, you simply could not come up with a gayer scene. Seriously, men fucking is straighter.

Corpse Count:
Commando almost features more murders than it does homosexual innuendos. Almost. 146 people are shot, blown up, stabbed, scalped, dropped off cliffs and mutilated. You might be thinking that the number I'm quoting is a little low. What you are not realizing is that fully 138 of those onscreen deaths happen during a four-minute time frame. Without doubt the bloodiest four minutes in the history of film. Easily trumping the finale of even Death Wish 3. In one particularly noteworthy sequence, Schwarzenegger's character John Matrix manages to commit five murders using a pitchfork, an axe, a machete and two circular saw blades--all within the span of twenty seconds! He even kills two guys with one bullet.



Maybe even more impressive than the amount of men that he kills, is the amount of men that he just beats the living crap out of. Specifically one scene where he not only hits a guy with a phone booth, but where he throws eight grown men flying through the air at the same time!. The Wachowskis obviously stole this far superior scene for Neo's lame-ass fight with 5 dozen Agent Smiths.

How Bad Is It Really?
Bad? Bad? Look, I'll be the first to admit that it is hard to retain one's critical faculties while watching THE RADDEST MOVIE EVER MADE!!! But I'll level with you, Commando rules. If the purpose of a film is solely to entertain, then no movie has anything on Commando. Did I mention that at one point Arnold and Alyssa Milano are feeding a deer?!? What is also good about Commando is that for all the ridiculously over-the-top uber-mensch moves Schwarzenegger makes, Rae Dawn Chong is constantly reminding us just how over-the-top and ridiculous all of the macho bullshit is. Here's what I mean:

Cooke (The Great Bill Duke): "Scared, motherfucker? Well, you should be. Cause this Green Beret's going to kick you ass."

Matrix (Arnold): "I eat Green Berets for breakfast. And right now (punch) I'm (kick) very (slap) hungry." Cooke gets tossed through a wall.

Cindy (Dawn Chong): "I don't believe this macho bullshit!"
See, that's what makes Commando succeed on so many levels. You don't believe the macho bullshit, either. But you love it. The director tells you exactly what to think, in case the action is too fast and you can't pay attention to everything that is going on. Like, when Arnold throws Cooke through the wall onto a couple who somehow kept having sex despite the four gunshots in the next room, Rae Dawn observes, "These guys eat too much red meat." Again, exactly right. Also of note is when the naked couple emerges from underneath the sheet, the woman is behind the man. Did I mention that fucking rules?



One-Liner:
Move over Henny Youngman. Take a hike Don Rickles. Here comes Commando! Honestly, everything else aside (yes, even the hot man-on-man action), what I love most about Commando are all the brilliant one-liners.

From, "Don't disturb my friend. He's dead-tired" to "I'm air sick," Commando trumps all other movies ever made--EVER--when it comes to one-liners. I mean, even when the bad guy asks the eleven-year-old girl, "You'll be together with him soon. Won't that be nice?" The eleven-fucking-year-old girl says, "Not as nice as watching him smash your face in."

Post-Mortem One-Liner:
Let's be honest here. With the possible exception of Predator no other movie in history has half as many good one-liners to celebrate the death of a fellow human being.

The greatest post-mortem one-liner of all time is the following: Schwarzenegger has just chased down and run Sully's (David Patrick Kelly) Porsche off the road with an Austin Healy Sprite. After ramming the Sprite head-on at 80 miles-per-hour into a telephone pole, Arnold checks to see if Rae Dawn is alive and then pulls Sully out of the Porsche, demanding to know where his (Matrix's) daughter is. Sully tells him to fuck off. Arnold says, "Listen, loyalty is very touching but it's not the most important thing in your life right now. Gravity is." No, that is not the best line. This is.



Arnold then carries Sully over to a cliff and dangles him over the edge by one leg (look for the wire holding Sully up). After some more words are exchanged, Schwarzenegger says to Sully, "Hey Sully, remember when I said I'd kill you last?" Sully then says, "Yeah, you promised you'd kill me last." To which our governor responds, "I lied." He then drops Sully off the side of Mulholland Drive. Now, I know what you are saying. That is technically a "pre-mortem" one-liner. Right, except for the fact that just before Schwarzenegger pushes Sully's Porsche back onto its wheels, Rae Dawn asks, "What happened to Sully?"

"I had to let him go."

Holy shit, is that funny/brilliant. It has had me laughing for the past 18 years.

Stupid Political Content:
None really. I mean all the usual romanticized military/vigilante crap is front and center, but it is obviously such homosexual fantasy that any overtures to the right wing are lost on everyone, save castratos. Sure, he lives isolated and alone with a literal arsenal in his tool shed, but look at that chest! We could begin to discuss how a man could murder over a dozen dozen people and be smiling at the end of it all (sheer fascism), but then, those biceps start calling my name. All bulgey and shit. There is one odd part where Arnold explains to Alyssa Milano, "When I was a boy and Rock and Roll came to East Germany [the] communists said it was subversive... Maybe they were right?" But honestly, I had way too much of a hard-on to make heads or tails of it. OK, fine. Tails.



Novelty Death:
At the climax of the "fight" between Bennett and Matrix, Arnold somehow manages to rip a 11/4 pipe off the wall and hurl it through Bennett's chest. Of course, before Arnold even sees the pipe, Bennett has a sub-machine gun leveled at him. And of course after the pipe goes through Bennett's chest, Arnold says, "Let off some steam, Bennett." God, I love this movie!!!

Was There An Atomic Blast At The End?
No, but Arnold's old commander does say that he is expecting World War 3.
He seems to be looking forward to it, too.

What You Learned:
If I was al Queda, I would not fuck with California while Schwarzenegger is governor. Also, if you watch the scene when Arnold is blowing up all the military barracks, you can actually see the support beams that are holding up the dummies. Oh, and I am definitely gay.
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Jessopjessopjess...
post Apr 12 2006, 12:39 PM
Post #34


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^ None of the above make it anything less than ludicrous - and that is really the best word anyone has come up with to describe the film.

And I do believe Top Gun to be the gayest movie ever.
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NiteFall
post Apr 12 2006, 12:39 PM
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That may be, but it doesn't have a mulleted Kurt Russell in. And Kurt Russells chin, which is the second greatest chin in a supporting role (after Bruce Campbells, obviously).
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Jessopjessopjess...
post Apr 12 2006, 12:41 PM
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QUOTE (NiteFall @ Apr 12 2006, 12:39 PM)
And Kurt Russells chin, which is the second greatest chin in a supporting role (after Bruce Campbells, obviously).
*

Good idea for a thread, maybe?
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Svein
post Apr 12 2006, 12:43 PM
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I'm sorry; I meant, "Drop dead, *comrade*."
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QUOTE (Jessopjessopjessop @ Apr 12 2006, 01:39 PM)
And I do believe Top Gun to be the gayest movie ever.
*


Oooh... possibly... Although I think Bloodsport might be up there...
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Sir_Robin_the_br...
post Apr 12 2006, 12:48 PM
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QUOTE (Jessopjessopjessop @ Apr 12 2006, 01:39 PM)
^ None of the above make it anything less than ludicrous - and that is really the best word anyone has come up with to describe the film.

And I do believe Top Gun to be the gayest movie ever.
*


Rocky III has the gayest montage sequence ever, and is therefore my pick for the gayest film I've ever seen. Commando is still great whatever anyone may say.

This post has been edited by Sir_Robin_the_brave: Apr 12 2006, 12:49 PM
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NiteFall
post Apr 12 2006, 12:55 PM
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QUOTE (Jessopjessopjessop @ Apr 12 2006, 01:41 PM)
Good idea for a thread, maybe?
*


What? "Chinfest uberbattle 2006! Kurt Russell vs Bruce Campbell! Who will be crowned king of the chin! Only on pay-per-view!"

I think you may be right.
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Jessopjessopjess...
post Apr 12 2006, 12:56 PM
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QUOTE (Sir_Robin_the_brave @ Apr 12 2006, 12:48 PM)
Rocky III has the gayest montage sequence ever, and is therefore my pick for the gayest film I've ever seen. Commando is still great whatever anyone may say.
*

I've not seen Bloodsport, or all of Rocky III, but watch Top Gun again, and I guarantee you will see what I mean...

There is macho posturing in numerous shower sequences, flirting and one-upmanship between pretty boys in uniform, an incredibly objectified and sexualised game of beach volleyball, close male friendships which overshadow marriage and songs such as 'Playing With the Boys'. I rest my case.
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Svein
post Apr 12 2006, 12:57 PM
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I'm sorry; I meant, "Drop dead, *comrade*."
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QUOTE (Jessopjessopjessop @ Apr 12 2006, 01:56 PM)
I've not seen Bloodsport, or all of Rocky III, but watch Top Gun again, and I guarantee you will see what I mean...

There is macho posturing in numerous shower sequences, flirting and one-upmanship between pretty boys in uniform, an incredibly objectified and sexualised game of beach volleyball, close male friendships which overshadow marriage and songs such as 'Playing With the Boys'. I rest my case.
*

Watch Bloodsport... There are some really embarrasingly gay moments in that!
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Sir_Robin_the_br...
post Apr 12 2006, 12:58 PM
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QUOTE (Jessopjessopjessop @ Apr 12 2006, 01:56 PM)
I've not seen Bloodsport, or all of Rocky III, but watch Top Gun again, and I guarantee you will see what I mean...

There is macho posturing in numerous shower sequences, flirting and one-upmanship between pretty boys in uniform, an incredibly objectified and sexualised game of beach volleyball, close male friendships which overshadow marriage and songs such as 'Playing With the Boys'. I rest my case.
*


Top Gun is quite gay I admit, I even find the 'you can be my wingman anytime..' line gay and I'm not even sure why. I'd forgotten about the beach volleyball sequence, which is extremely gay.
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Jessopjessopjess...
post Apr 12 2006, 01:00 PM
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QUOTE (Sir_Robin_the_brave @ Apr 12 2006, 12:58 PM)
I even find the 'you can be my wingman anytime..' line gay and I'm not even sure why.
*

Yes, he was referring to his chocolate wings.
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Sir_Robin_the_br...
post Apr 12 2006, 01:01 PM
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QUOTE (Jessopjessopjessop @ Apr 12 2006, 02:00 PM)
Yes, he was referring to his chocolate wings.
*


Get out.


Okay so we've got the following premliminary list of the top 5 gayest movies of all time:

1. Top Gun
2. Commando
3. Rocky III
4. Bloodsport
5. Brokeback Mountain

This post has been edited by Sir_Robin_the_brave: Apr 12 2006, 01:08 PM
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Jessopjessopjess...
post Apr 12 2006, 01:12 PM
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QUOTE (Sir_Robin_the_brave @ Apr 12 2006, 01:01 PM)
1. Top Gun
2. Commando
3. Rocky III
4. Bloodsport
5. Brokeback Mountain
*

Although I haven't seen Brokeback, I'd say it was disqualified for its intentional homesexualness.

Some of Predator is gay.
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