okay, so Black Books is great! lets face it!

so, what are your favourite quotes from the likes of Bernard, Manny and Fran...??

my fave's are:

BERNARD: Don't you ever use party as a verb in my shop!
*******************
MANNY: Right now, I'm eating scrambled eggs, with a comb, from a shoe.
*******************
BERNARD: It's all rubbish! Nobody is prepared to admit that wine doesn't have a taste.
MANNY: Of course you can't taste anything, you smoke eighty bajillion cigarettes a day. What's that you're eating?
BERNARD: It's some sort of delicious biscuit.
MANNY: It's a coaster!

POST AWAY!!!

Jehovah's Witness: Hello, we were wondering if we could talk to you about Jeeee-sus

Bernard: Gah! What time is o'clock
Manny: Half ten
B: Half Ten! Half ten! I've never been up at half ten. What happens? Have you ever bought a book...at half ten in the morning?
M: Well, no, now that you mention it.
B: That's right, that would be a world gone topsy turvy. People don't want books in the morning, it's too early.
M: Well if this were a bakery this would be quite late.
B: What!? I won't have any cheek. I'm sorry son. I've made a mistake. You don't have what it takes, to sell a book. People don't want them in the morning.
Customer (wearing a 'I Love Books' T-Shirt: Hello (B looks perplexed) I'd like to but a book please
B: What books?
C: I dunno I'm just really in the mood to by a book.
B: Get out we're closed!
C: Maybe I'll swing by the bakery.

M: It's a farmyard of colour
B: All the colours, all the colours, well yellow. It's like looking into the eye of a duck.
M: And sucking all the fluid from it's beak.

And a great outtake

B: This is my roof! And I like it!

Bernard: Fran and I are going out for drinks. We've bought some absinthe, it's the drink that makes you want to kill yourself instantly.

Also keep an eye out for Kevin Eldon in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory: He played The Cleaner in one episode, as well as one of the Agents in Spaced.

Bernard: He's a horse in a man suit.


Bernard: Everyday is another betrayal.


Bernard: Go on, go to your 'fancy man'.

The delivery of

"With a pickle"

Is nigh on perfect.

Customer: Look, there's no other way to say this, but I didn't come in here to be insulted.

Bernard: Well, I didn't ask for the job of insulting you. In another life, we could have been brothers. Running a small, quirky taveria in Sicily. Maybe we would have married the local twins instead of wasting each other's time here in this dump. But it was not to be. So hop it.

Bernard:BEANS!

Bernard: He's up there right now, out of his head on nip!

Bernard: Oh yeah!? What other man divides his eggy soldirs into rank?
Manny: It's just a bit of fun!
Bernard:Ah so you wont mind if I eat this one-
Manny: DONT TOUCH THE COLONEL....It'll upset the rest of the men!

Bernard: This paint will make a tasty dish! Yes! Yes! My oven can cook anything, my oven can cook...... BITS OF OVEN!

Fran: (talking to Bernard about about him and Manny) You know, if the two of you could do something relaxing together, this place wouldn't be so tense.

Bernard: What? Every time we bicker we should have sex? Just have a drink and be yourself again, will you?

Fran: So what's it like then? The fags and booze.

Bernard: Well, to be honest, after years of smoking and drinking, you do sometimes look at yourself and think...

Fran: Yep...

Bernard: You know, just sometimes, in between the first cigarette with coffee in the morning to that four hundredth glass of cornershop piss at 3am, you do sometimes look at yourself and think...

Fran: Yep...

Bernard: ... "this is fantastic. I'm in heaven."

also Dylan Moran's face when he is sleeping on the sofa with a cigarette in his mouth in episode 1.2, when he wakes up....CLASSIC!

One of my favourites has always been...

Bernard: (on Manny) Look at him, look! Half Iago, half Fu Manchu... all bastard!

Manny Bernard, do you think I should shave my beard?
Bernard Yes. I think you should shave it off. Nail it to a frisbee and fling it over a rainbow.

Something about a beard seeking missile.


I've just today gotten my roommates quite thoroughly hooked on the show

Which one of you bitches wants to dance?

Hey, you know when you’re doing your usual sort of threesome you do of a weekend, you know, and er, the moonlight’s bouncing off your heads and your arses and everything. Does that not get a bit confusing?

Right. Look, this is you, OK? *dances around* Tra-la-la la-la la-la la-la, la-la la-la la-la la-la la-la la-la la-la!

Millwall, that’s the one. Do you know this chant? Erm… Millwall, Millwall, you’re all really dreadful, and all your girlfriends are unfulfilled and alienated.

*thwack*

I like the idea of using this in a really quiet car showroom (but have never had the opportunity stroke guts.)


I've never had the opportunity to stroke guts, either, while I'm at it.


Anyway, the quote:

Evan: Now, one of our valued younger customers has blocked up the toilet with Monser Munch. Now, as a team, how are we going to tackle this?
Manny: We could call a plumber
E: (Holding out a bucket and plunger, passes them to Manny): Go Team!

E: Gather round team. Today was a silver star day, tomorrow I want Gold. Selling books, is like a game. It has rules, and you better learn those rules quick cos it's not a game!

Simon Pegg-Great in everything he does.

Bernard: Old wine is good wine.

Manny: Yes, but… expensive wine is good wine, also.

Bernard: Yes. But the older the wine is, the gooder it is.

Manny: Ah. But by the same token, the more expensive the wine, then the gooder it is also.

Bernard: Look at the colours.

Manny: Yeah.

Bernard: All… all the colours. Well, yellow.

Manny: This is like… a farmyard of… of wine.

Bernard: It’s like looking into the eye of a duck.

Manny: And sucking all the fluid… from its beak.

Bernard: …touché. And because you win, you get to go to the cellar.

Manny: Eeyy!

Bernard: Well, whores will have their trinkets.
___

Fran: Will you look at these... breasts.
___

Fran: Sex! Sexy sex!

Oh, I live alone in a tree, I live alone in a tree, I live alone in a tree, and nobody loves me

Fuckin' 'ell, I love Black Books. I've only just realised how much...

Mmmmmmmmm.

Just the classics:

Fizzy-good make feel nice
I ate all your bees
and
There was a little man in his hair.

Still my favorite. That's staying power.

"You know what you are? You're a beard with an idiot hanging off it."

"Well I fell. It was so.... un-gallant."
"Wheras going to the toilet through a wicker chair... well, we've all been there."

"Yes, what!"
"Those books over there."
"Yes, Dickens. The complete works of Charles Dickens."
"Are they real leather?"
"They're real Dickens."
"I have to know if they're real leather, because they have to go with the sofa. Everything else in my house is real. I'll give you 200 for them."
"200 what?"
"200 pounds."
"Are they leather-bound pounds?"
"No?"
"Well, I'm sorry I need leather-bound pounds to go with my wallet!"
DING!

Just been watching them all again, and have found masses of excellant quotes! (THAT WAS RESEARCH!)

Manny: Hello!? Hello! This is Lonely Soldier, coordinates......Book Shop!

Cleaner: Yes you have very dirty cups, I want to wash your dirty cups!

Fran: Okay, if I told you that the walls of my flat were actually moving in, would you think that I was strange?
Bernard: No, I'd ask you to come 'round and look after my small children.

Fran: Do you know that in Tibet when they want something they give something away?
Bernard: Do they? That must be why they're such a dominant global power.

Manny: Is space hot?
Bernard: Of course it is, where do you think we get pineapples from?

Manny: I've swallowed the Little Book of Calm.

Bernard: I've never said it before because I'm too nice, but your son has the cold, dead eyes of a killer.

Fran: Do you know nothing about modern culture, Bernard? Beckham, Posh, Pokemon...
Bernard: Pacman. It's pronounced Pacman.

Fran: You said he had a funny smell.
Bernard: He did. He did. He had a living beetroot smell

Bernard:It's all rubbish! Nobody is prepared to admit that wine doesn't have a taste.
Manny: Of course you can't taste anything, you smoke eighty bajillion cigarettes a day. What's that you're eating?
Bernard: It's some sort of delicious biscuit.
Manny: It's a coaster!

Bernard: [gibbering] They'd all laugh at me if they knew what I was trying to do... to create a new strain of super-wine in a half an hour with a fraction of nature's resources and a FOOL for an assistant. "Bernard Black, he's mad," they'd say. "He's insane. He's dangerous." Well I'll show them! I'll show them all!

Customer: [brings back copy of Tempocalypse] I bought this for a friend, and they didn't want it, I was wondering if i could exchange it, preferably for the money
Bernard: [grabs the book and begins flicking through it rapidly then stops] AHA! sand!
[collects some onto his finger]
Bernard: Manny!
[sprinkles it into manny's mouth]
Manny: [tasting the sand] Sardinia... South... Porto Scudo... THe little beach by the monastary
Bernard: [to customer] get out!
[shoves his book back into his hands]
Customer: Damn!
[leaves]


Sorry for the mass postage, but they'll be more!

go you butterfly_with_a_bomb?!!!!

keep on posting!

you know that black books is great!!

"Your son has the cold dead eyes of a killer"

and

Manny:" Bernard.
....
Bernard
....
Bernard.
....
Bernard.
I'm a prostitute robot from the future."

Man i love that one,

"I want to clean you dusty cups from the inside out" (may be ever so slightly wrong)

"Dirty!"

Nononononono, It's fun! Fun! FUN!

Just remembered this one...

Evan - "Don't eat muffins when i'm developing you."

(outtake)

Manny- I ate all your bees!
Bernard-........You fucker!

Serefinowitz- Do you want me to come Fran!? Im comming Fran! Fran!
Fran-Sorry about that, I .....caught my foot in the fridge

Manny-Moo Ma!Moo PA!

I watch my Black Books dvds virtually every day, I love it so much . Mmmm Dylan Moran *drool*

Bernard: You know what you are? You're a beard with an idiot hanging off it.

Porn Seller: What can I do you for?
Bernard: I'd like to buy some hardcore pornography please
PS: What sort?
B:Have you got any set in a townhall, where the women guess the weight of the cakes and then...
PS: No, got one with nurses in.
B: What kind of nurse?
PS: The kind with big tits!
B: No I mean are they in administration or...?
PS: That's very specific.
B: Yeah well keep looking I'm sure you'll find something, could you turn the heating up?
PS: There you go. Administrative nurse, 29.99.
B: I meant Senior Administrative nurses, that's what I was really looking for
(PS moves hand revealing title to be 'Senior Administrative nurses)
Could we watch it together, get a bottle of wine...
PS: Get out!

Bernard- I had a girlfriend once. She died

awwwww poor Bernard

Fran: You know the really sad thing is, she's not really dead

Bernard: "I can feel parts of my brain, falling away like wet cake"

You know you're in for a good time when there's a polar bear - bleeding - on the label.

Fran: You know you're in for a good time, when there's a polar bear bleeding, on the label

Fran: It's really good this, just slap it on your hip, eats right through to your liver.

Bernard: (on Manny) "Have you seen his face? I bet his cornflakes CRAWL out of the bowl!"

textbook!

Manny: I want the weekend off. I want a life.
Bernard: This is life! We suffer and slave and expire. That's it!
Manny: We have needs! Fran wants to learn the piano, I want some time to myself, you want to go out with a girl...
Bernard: Don't make me laugh... bitterly. Fran will fail, you'll toil your life away, and I'll die alone, upside down on the floor of a pub toilet.

Bernard: [to Fran] You! What have you been telling Kate? She thinks I'm the renaissance. I have to go along with all this "reclusive genius" stuff... she's going to be very upset when she finds out I'm just a reclusive wanker.

Bernard: So, what did you tell them? They got in through the back?
Manny: Yeah.
Bernard: Yeah, it wouldn't do to let them know that we went out and you left the front door open, would it?
Manny: Yeah, well, what sort of world is it that you can't go away and leave the front door open without getting robbed?
Bernard: It's this sort of world, Gandalf!

"Do you know what he was doing when you wern't here, and so couldn't have seen it? He was... Sucking his trousers... And laughing!"
"Now, that was a lie wasnt it?"

I can't quite remember what the other guys say, but I love what Manny says when is a "policeman".

"You have beautiful eyes"
"Hay, when all of this has blown over, lets go see Les Miserables."
"Hay you ever been to the zoo, its brilliant"
"Do you think it would be really naughty of me to phone up the Hong Kong Kitchen and order us all some crispy duck?"

"I'm just strolling along the beach with my discreatly pregnant Brazilian girlfriend. And all of a sudden a boat appears laden with papperitzi. And I say. Take a picture of me if you must. But leave her out of it. She didnt ask for any of this. She's just an ordinary lingeray (sp) model"

"How was your night out?"
"Oh you know, I went to see an experimental film where nothing happenend for two hours. Hung out with a pornographer. Got a job in a burger bar. You know... The usual!"

"If you're going to give a man pencils for drinking his wine. You had better make it magic pencils, you know. You draw a cow, the cow comes to life. Those kind of pencils."

"The plug fell in some tizer"
(and the whole bit where Manny pulls the face at his boss, and answers the phone like it)

"Hello. We'd like to talk to you about jeesus"

"You know you have molusks on your pipes?"
"What of it?"
"Well, its just that traditionally they live in the sea"

"Theres the elephant. Hes happy with is ballon.
Oh no its gone!
Is it behind the rino?
*both shake heads*
Look in the alligators mouth
It's not there either
ohhhhhhh the monkeys got it in the tree
He brings it back,
They all brink lemonade
The End"


And a couple of Bernards songs. Which sadly got cut.

"I'm a simple cow, living a simple life. But sometimes I feel exploi-ted. Ireland can never be free until. I can marry my brother.

"Cows in the morning, cows in the morning one, two, three. Up and atom, up and atom with a pick"

Thats just what I could think of now. I am a bit of a hardcore fan. I spent a lot of my last year in school just quoting Black Books. And have been fortunate enough to have seen both Dylan Moran and Bill Bailey live. Both were amazing.

Black Dolls-

Bernard-"DRUGS!?! GRAPES!?! BEARD!?!"

Fran: Do you know that in Tibet when they want something they give something away?

Bernard: Do they? That must be why they're such a dominant global power.

************

Fran: Do you know nothing about modern culture, Bernard? Beckham, Posh, Pokemon...

Bernard: Pacman. It's pronounced Pacman.

************

Bernard: I've never said it before because I'm too nice, but your son has the cold, dead eyes of a killer.

What were you thinking? What went through you minds that made you think ''Oh yeah, let's get a wicker toilet?'' *LOUD SCREAM offscreen*

Great ending to Bernard's tale of going round his friends house. Cracks me up everytime.

Bernard: (wearing an accordion) Hello! I've come to serenade you. I can't play guitar. I can't play this either, but I thought it would be less obvious. So if you could just kind of stand there and look wistful, and I...

Allison: No thanks, goodbye.

Bernard: Where are you going?

Allison: Somewhere else. I've had enough of this. The flat's small, then it's huge, then it's a closet full of flowers and truffles. I am not interested in you! Ok?

Bernard: But... but... (holds up a bunch of flowers)

Allison: Get lost!

Bernard: No no. You're my summer girlfriend. You don't get angry. You throw your head back and laugh as we bicycle around the Cotswolds in a taxi. You flick the cherry off the pie and only eat the cream because that's what Auntie Nibs used to do.

Allison: What?



Bernard has a very similar way with women to me........

Customer: Excuse me?

Bernard: What? What?!

Customer: Do you have anything by Adam Phillips?

Bernard: How would I know? Go to a proper bookshop.

Customer: Look... there's no other way to say this, but I didn't come in here to be insulted.

Bernard: Well, I didn't ask for the job of insulting you. You know, in another life, maybe we could have been brothers, running a small, quirky taverna in Sicily. Maybe we would have married the local twins, instead of wasting each other's time here in this dump. But, it was not to be. So... hop it.

********************************************************************

Fran: (completely drunk) I'll mind the shop for you! I can be both of you. (Pretending to be Manny) "Bernard. Bernard. It's not fair. Bernard, here's your tea. Oh Bernard, Bernard, can I have my pocket money?" (Pretending to be Bernard) "Oh Manny, for the last time, shut up! Mother of god! I think I'm going to kill you!"

Manny: Now THAT`S mad.

I just love the bit when Manny runs away (1.5 I believe) when teh bee flies in.
Hehe.

'SHUT UP ALL OF YOU, I'M DYING'

'FLAKE FLAKE FLAKE FLAKE FLAKE' etc

And my favourite...

Bernard: '... why do you have to make the bacon so curly?'

Manny: 'Right, that's it, I quit.'

Bernard: 'You quite every day. I'm going for a walk, so i suggest that when you re-apply in about half an hour that you do the interview yourself. You can wear that pinstripe suit, the one that gives you a fat arse... you like the look of yourself in that...'

I need to watch it again... and again...

Bernard: How dare you. Don’t you touch a hair on that boys head, have you no respect? He’s mine, get your own human plaything. You quartz brained little cream puff.

Oh, check out my response to this post on my Call of Duty clan website. I'm Preacher btw.

It was impossible to resisit.

Here