I'm like a proper star now.

I also look balder than I thought.

That's why I was embarrassed.

KIDDING!

WAH-EVA.

The bosses think me and Fischer are dead funny.

I think they're mad.

Depends what you mean by 'funny'.

Oooh, I'm on fire.

I'll fire you in a minute.

Balls, I can't see this from work.

Does your work computer have a block on explicit sexual content?

I did a proper little chuckle at "Shakin' Stevens". You're a northern wonder, Shackman.

I think my version of Real Player is a bit old. Bob's mouth was an area of dark fuzz that didn't move, half Shack's face was in shadow and the sound that came out was a little amusing!

Maybe your version was distorted because it's like the Ring and in seven days Shack is going to crawl out of your puta, with all wet hair, and force you to drink tea and eat cake till you die of cosiness!

Shit. Better email it to someone. Hmmm, who to inflict a supernatural Shack tea party on?

Considering his bald concerns, I think it would look more like a sweaty sheen than wet hair.

Brilliant.

It was lovely to listen yesterday, it's been ages.

This made me recoil and giggle alternately, given the meaning of the word "puta" in Spanish.

You know, that thought came into my mind as well. Disturbing, yet fascinating to try and ponder the physics.

No one touches my puta.

It'd basically be that scene out of Xtro, but with Shack grinning and holding cakes.

I'd pay to see that.

Bob's voice really sounds like Bob Mortimer to me (which isn't a great surprise considering the location), you silly northerners and your silly accents, bless.

I met Bob Mortimer once, he was lovely and smelt gorgeous.

I've met Bob Fisher a few times too, but I can't remember what he smells like. Plus, Shack's always nearby and the smell of battenberg is a bit overpowering.

Honestly, the cheek of some people.

I would love to overpower someone with cosiness, possibly not involving a "puta" though. It would be uncomfortable for everyone and the smell of battenburg would be absent.

Bob smells of must.

P.S. It's spelt "Fischer".

I am sorry for my accidental double meaning. I am, as everyone who knows me will tell you, very naïve.

I am also sorry to Bob for accidentally misspelling his name.

Shack still smells of battenburg though.

I rub it under my arms before bed.

I always wondered why your carpets were covered in crumbs.

Actually, I take that back. It was only a joke, but it's not true, and I know you're very proud of your Dyson.

It's not a Dyson.

It's an Electrolux Loopie Petlover.

It's great. It picks up all my dust and then lets me look at it.

You don't have any pets.

Unless you count the fish, and he's hardly lively.

You should get the new Hoover Cake Buster. It collects crumbs, seperates them from standard household fluff and dust, compresses them, and voila! At the end of the month you have a new cake.

I think it's inspired by a Why Don't You tip where you collect old slavers of soap and make a big fancy looking multi-coloured bar.

He comes alive when I'm out.

Last week he re-grouted the bathroom.

Alyssa did the same thing, but that's only because I won't feed her unless she does her chores.

You're the new Trevor Bayliss, inventor of the clockwork radio.

Although quite what the cake would taste like is unclear.

I'd prefer the Dyson Biscuit Decombobulator. It's more expensive but it'll even pick up ground in toffee.

Everytime I've been to Zoe's, poor Alyssa is dressed in rags. I feed her scraps when Zoe's not looking.

That post sponsored by Shack's new, improved, showbiz signature.

Have you got a podcast yet?

I updated my signature before I left work. Jeeeeeeeeeeeeeez.

And no, we've no podcast yet, but the boss is working on it (not literally - he's probably forcing poor Karen to sort it out).

See my signature.

Imagine my tone.

They live the Dickensian lifestyle. You are Nancy to Zoe's Bill Sykes.

Does that make Alyssa Bullseye? Because she won't like that.

That's the tone I always hear you "in".

Sometimes I even hear you looking over your glasses and rolling your eyes.

No. Oliver. Oliver. A Rockabilly Oliver. (Should have thought that one through)




Rockabilly Oliver - that's a film I'd pay to see

Hooray!

And they say you can't capture intonation on the internet.

Rockabilliver?

I think it's the look you once gave me for continually clapping the telly (especially You've Been Framed).

It's why I daren't visit.

He he he he, even you have to admit that's pretty lame.

So in this version of Oliver... I force Alyssa to help me to commit petty crimes, and beat up Shack? That's miiiiiles from the truth. Ahem

She steals kerchiefs from the Dandy Shack using distracting bop moves on her silent brothel creepers, under the watchful eye of Rockabill Sykes.

I'd love to nick a crumpet or two-ooooooo

There is NOTHING lame about clapping the television.

It is only acceptable if it's during the 'Friends' theme tune. Anything else and it's the back of my hand for you Shackleton.

Bless Alyssa, she'll cry when she gets back from a month away and finds I've turned the house into a lair full of cock-er-ney boys in short trousers.

There is if it's Sky At Night or a recording of your own radio show promno.


He had no family, no home, no love.
But he had the music, the pomade and a flick comb
Oliver...the Cockney that can Rock-ney

It's the first series again now though. Different Carol is in it, Ross isn't mental, Phoebe is annoying and Monica looks silly.

You've Been Framed followed by X Factor on Saturday night. At last ITV get something right.

I'm going to watch my BBC Tees video again before bed, this time on full screen. I heart me.

I just watched it now. Fischer looks like he wants nothing more than to stop talking and drink his tea through the whole thing. You, on the other hand, are a stone cold professional.

As have I. Shack really is a star, isn't he?

I am cleaning the house to last night's Russell Brand show and guess who he's got on the phone?

Geoff Capes.

Copy...

Thanks Ade-o. I was in the BBC building on Sunday fannying on with my friend Karen and I kept watching it dead loud so all the other BBC staff would think I was up my own arse.

And Julie - I'm a cold hard professional. Imagine those steely eyes on a holiday programme or perhaps a series about historical walks?

Russell Brand will have Trevor and Simon on next. What a copycat.

Is there a Gobstopper tonight, Shack sir, or footie?

It's the bloody football AGAIN.

We can't cash in on our global superstar advert fame just yet.

Balls! Rachel and I were just discussing how excited we were to listen together!