Tim and Mike buy cheap speed and end up a little disturbed;
Tim having recurring Resident Evil induced hallucinations, Mike
ending up in Yorkshire. Daisy's career seems to be going nowhere
until she gets an interview from Fem - Mag, Flaps. Meanwhile, Brian's
Ex - boy - girl - friend, Vulva, has invited him to 'come' to view
his latest artistic triumph. After the painful, drug fuelled interview,
what better way to relax than an evening, with friends, at the theatre
We open in the flat, backlit in blue. The TV spews static into
the living room as Tim dives across it, shotgun in hand, onto the
beanbag. As he begins to the eerie but familiar surroundings, he
hears a groan behind him. A member of the undead is looming. Despatched
with the immortal words of the Duke, yet more come out of the woodwork.
Until, in a reality jolt caused by Daisy's arrival in the room,
he is back in the real world. He soon slips back
cause of this, we learn, is that he and Mike met some Scottish blokes
who offloaded loads of cheap speed onto them. Tacky as it may be,
they are doing pretty well, even though Tim's lines between Playstation
and life are now virtually non-existent and he's suffering from
narcolepsy and Mike thinks he is on a Vincent Black Shadow. On a
plus note however, Tim did get a phone number from an attractive
psychic called Cassandra, although, on further examination, it was
his phone number.
on the plains of normality however, Daisy goes to the door to get
the droppage of the day. In amongst the rejections is a letter from
Flaps, the new woman's magazine. It's an invitation for her to attend
an interview later that day and so, excited, she decides to go to
the newsagents to get some research for the big event. Tim asks
her to get him some porn but she tells him to get it from railway
sidings like everyone else
she breezes out the door, Brian comes in to return the mop he'd
borrowed earlier. He spies what Tim is doing, playing 'Resident
Evil 2' or maybe it's 'It's a Knockout'
While Brian's lurking, Tim remembers that a letter came for him.
Brian reads the contents of the already opened envelope. All it
says is 'come'.
explains that this is an invitation from his ex collaborator, Vulva,
a 'non gender specific' who was christened Ian. Tim has already
formulated what these unions entailed, but artistically, speaking,
he's way off, obviously. Unsure of what to do, to go or stay, Tim
provides sage like advice. He should go
Daisy is at the newsies, looking for inspiration between the covers
of various quality publications including, amongst others, Huge
Fat Cocks. On her return to the flat, she's beginning to get flustered
and isn't sure what to wear. Tim, rather unhelpfully, suggests that
she should dress something like a lesbian. Or Suzie Quattro. As
Daisy's anxiety reaches its peak, he gives her a big toke on his
spliff to calm her down. Unfortunately, paranoia grips her and she's
more of a wreck than before.
still confused as to what to do about his invitation, tries to psyche
himself up to go by a little mirrored role-play. However, it doesn't
really help when he identifies himself as a big loser mid way in
conversation with Damien 'Sheep in the Water' Hirst.
the interview waiting room, Daisy divulges to one of the other applicants
that she thinks that a squirrel is stalking her although her worries
fall on deaf ears. Soon, she's called into the room and confronted
with Yolanda, Tracy and Catherine, her interviewers. All she seems
to pick up from the conversation is that the women of today want
it 'Big', 'Hard and 'Now'. But, floundering on the drugs, Daisy's
mind slides into 'The Magic Roundabout', and the interview falls
to pieces. Worst of all, she finishes it with the dreaded full 'Girl
Power' gambit, complete with victory sign. Could things get any
Brian harks back to the split that made things so awkward between
him and Vulva. It appears that Vulva dropped Brian to keep abreast
of the times. In a fit of anger, Brian's mind is made up and he
decides to go and lay the ghosts of the past to rest.
gets back from the interview to find Tim still playing on his console.
He asks how she got on and she says 'well'. Tim pauses his game
and asks that did 'well' mean 'shite'. She admits it does and becomes
emotional at another lost opportunity. Tim reassures her, despite
her Spice Girl antics, the phone might go any second with a job
offer and, right on cue, it does
it's Mike who has, in an amphetamine frenzy, managed to get to Sheffield.
Unfortunately, he's passes out before Tim can get more out of him.
Daisy asks why Tim and Mike are so close and Tim drifts off to his
The ringing of the phone stops his recollection
in midstream though. He answers it again and it's the weirdo from
downstairs. Soon, Brian is actually with them, in all his pretentious
glory and possibly the worst waistcoat of all time.
Brian asks if he should lose it. Tim suggests he should burn it
as lost property can always be found. Daisy asks Bri where he's
going so dressed up and Tim explains that he's going to see his
ex - boy - girl - friend's new play. Daisy wants to go, Tim doesn't
and Brian'd rather face this situation alone. But, at the mention
of the free booze, Tim and Daisy are most definitely tagging along.
no trouble at the door, the group begin to mingle and make use of
the free red wine and assorted nibbles. However, just as they're
relaxing into the scene, a familiar voice cuts the ambience like
a hot knife. Marsha. Brian, nervous enough already, makes a mad
dash for the security of his seat and soon the performance is under
in the shadows and then in burning supertrooper glory, Vulva stands
all man and woman before the awaiting crowd. With a Nazi spiked
helmet and an unmistakable use of greasepaint, Vulva provides an
earth - shattering performance with his/her new sidekick, Hoover.
Two hours later, the crowd disperses back into the bar for a post
mortem (although that officially is at the Squid and Mashed Potato).
Daisy tries to woo the terminally pissed off Hoover whilst Brian
finally plucks up the courage to speak to Vulva. In his mind, it'd
all gone so well; he'd proven that he was as worthy as anyone, artistically
speaking. In reality however, he still can't cut it verbally, his
nerves getting the better of his vocabulary in the heat of the moment.
as Vulva is set to kiss the still confused Brian goodbye, Tim's
hallucinations reach a peak and he see's the green skinned tranny
as another zombie and lays him/her out flat. He pulls the rescued
Brian away and goes off to find Daisy, herself talking to another
'zombie'. As he flees with the two confused housemates in tow, he
turns 'round to see Marsha sat surrounded by the living corpses.
With a final scream, he leads them off into the night
in the flat, with Tim passed out on the sofa, Brian confides to
Daisy that he should've followed Tim's lead a long while ago and
punched Vulva's lights out. The reformed Brian is, however, short
- lived as Tim's unconscious reflexes scare the timidity back into
the poor artist.
morning after the night before and Tim is still stretched out on
the sofa. Daisy has to explain what happened to him and Tim responds
by saying that he shouldn't have eaten twiglets as they make him
violent. As she sifts through her post, Daisy finds her response
from Flaps. It's another rejection but, from the fire and all that,
and, after a comment by Tim, she makes a step into the world of
showbizness. And that isn't as easy as it looks